Birthday Blues

My eyes are kind of itchy. Sometimes that happens when I cry a lot.

My mom and I listened to a talk on tape about marriage the other day and this guy was explaining about how we need to communicate better. A family had hired him to come observe their family to see if there was any way they could communicate better and while he was sitting at dinner with them he noticed the grandpa. What this guy would do when he wanted something, instead of asking for it, was to just stare at it until someone noticed. When asked why he replied "it means more when you don't have to ask," or basically the equivalent. The speaker went on to discuss how this notion is way off base and we can't expect others to read our minds.

Most of the time, I understand that. Sometimes I deviate.

Like my birthday.

For most days of the year I am happy to give and to receive and to not get upset over stupid things. On my birthday I always expect people to say "Happy Birthday" without being prompted. I want to be pampered and princessed and remembered, but I don't feel like I should expect these things. So instead I wait for someone to say something, or, like this morning, if no one says anything after a few hours then I will say "mom, guess what day it is today!"

Then instead of saying "I'd rather not go on your errands, I have a headache and I really just want to sleep in" I say "sure I'll go with you" and then I am cranky while I am dragged all over tar nation so that my mom can pick up some random herb and return some dinky telephone device. And then when I feel like nothing is going how I had wanted, I cry.

Continuing my example, sometimes I just need to take matters into my own hands and plan things. Kev asked "what would you like to do for your birthday?" to which I replied that it didn't matter too much just so long as I was with him. I did, however, mention that I love going out to plays, museums, musical concerts, operas, and eating dinner out. I suppose what I should have explained is that it doesn't matter so much what we do so long as we do something and so long as I feel like it was planned in advance because then I feel like people care about me and remember me. I suppose instead of saying that I was fine with him taking a test what I should have said was that I knew he needed to, but it would mean a lot if he could make it up before or around noon, instead of 6pm. I suppose what I should have said is that I go crazy by myself.

Or something like that.