Things we really aren't

Tell me about yourself. No, what would you know, really, few people know themselves really well enough to be able to tell me who they are. But I'm sure you can tell me who you aren't. Let me start. I am not:

• Elvis Presley. This is self evident if you've ever seen me on the dance floor, I can wiggle and jiggle just as good as a bowl of jell-O but I will never be able to have those beautiful blue eyes or those hips, oh Lord love a duck, how I want those hips
• very tall- this is emphasized by everyone else
  
• a ballerina- refer to number one
  
• an airline pilot
• a guru
• Asian
• very skinny
• homeless
• unemployed
• a boy
• originally from Utah
• African American
• a brunette (am I?)